Written by Dan McMath
As a paranormal investigator that has encountered his fair share of 'turn your shit white' moments, and a barman who regularly deals with intoxicated 40 somethings acting like clowns at the local club, I feel I am qualified enough to 'honk' the big red noses and call into question the balloon animal making skills of you clowns out there who are currently wandering around the quiet streets of Aussie suburbia in the dead of night.
Believe it or not, this whole thing started back in the good 'ol U S of A in 2013. One man dressed as a clown similar to Pennywise from Stephen King's IT, would run around town and scare the local residents just for a bit of fun. It wasn't long after that in 2014, another man dressed as a clown started to appear on social media. He became known as 'The Wasco Clown', and he was actually taking part in a year long photography project in California. Since then, the evil clown phenomena spread like a pair of pantalooms on a circus Ringmasters bed to other parts of the world. And now, in October of 2016, it seems like you have rolled the circus back into town. And one we don't have to pay to see!!!
Yey!!! This is great news right? THE CIRCUS IS IN TOWN!!!! Awesome. Peanuts and popcorn. The sights and smells of the Big Top. And you crazy clowns and your antics. The water squirting trick flowers! The big red nose that sqweeks! The floppy big ass shoes and the sound of your little brass horn. "Eeore...eeore"!
But alas. From what I have seen on the news and social media, not one of you bozo's (see what I did there) is entertaining in the slightest. What do you do? Carry an axe, even if its a plastic one? You yell and scream and jump up and down at passing motorists? You jump out of bushes and terrify everyday people who are just trying to get on with an event free and non stressful walk home? How is that entertaining? I know. It's entertaining for you right. The thrill and giggle you get from frightening complete strangers then post the reactions on youtube. And of course the chance to dress up and role play a little. Have a bit of fun.
But I'm sorry clowns of Australia. I'm just not feeling it. If you are going to put yourself out there on the suburban streets of Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth and everywhere else, I want to see commitment to the role. If you are carrying real or plastic weapons, by crikey you better be juggling them. I don't want to see you and two of your clown mates driving to a location in your WRX. You are clowns! I wanna see you and 15 of your colourful clown friends squeezed tightly into a red Mini, then one by one pop out at your destination, tooting your horns and tripping over each other! Want to really impress us? Then why not pull out the tried and trusted unicycle. Not only is it fun to watch a clown try to peddle awkwardly around in a circle on one wheel, but it's a display of your skills as a performer. You may even make some money if you take off your clown hat and place it upside down in front of you so your audience can fill it with coins. It's a win win! Your devoted followers will be delightfully entertained and you'll be earning some dollars that you won't have to declare to Centrelink!